So You’re Leaving the Convent - 4 Ways to Prepare
Recently a woman reached out to me who was still in a catholic convent, but knew she was going to leave at some future point. It made me think about how I’ve written a lot of advice for when a girl leaves the convent and is already back in the world, but I have yet to write on ways to prepare yourself once you’ve decided to leave, but haven’t left just yet.
So here we are….
There definitely is a season for many where - we’ve definitively decided to leave religious life on the inside, but have to walk through the fire to make it out the other side safely. Sounds dramatic, but it really is that way for many of us. Every woman’s journey out is so personal and unique, as is what they are returning to in the world. Some women have welcoming families, others have no one or maybe have families, but they cannot help support the former sister financially for a time, etc. When I was in the convent in Harlem, we had at least 2 former nuns stay with us (between my house and the Provincial House a few blocks away) for almost a year while they got back on their feet in a job. I don’t know if my order still does that - I honestly had not seen it done after those two ladies, but it was one of the kindest acts they ever did. And now both of those ladies are married with children out in the world. But there is a need for a safety net from the moment the woman decides to all the way on the other end of the journey when she is stable enough to provide for herself in the world - emotionally & financially. It can be a long journey, and one that does not come with a guidebook because it’s such a niche experience.
So, here are 4 of my best ways to prepare yourself, if you’ve decided to leave, but haven’t made any moves externally yet:
#1 Be Solid In Your Decision. It Will Be Tested.
Look, this decision is between you and the God of your heart. I’m going to assume that you are of clear mind, meaning that you are not mentally or emotionally or physically ill at the time of making these decisions, in which case I would recommend rendering those issues first before making a life altering decision. I also have to say these moments and decisions are so nuanced. I was deeply sad and miserable when I finally decided to leave. I wasn’t eating meals, was crying daily and could not smile anymore - from the outside, people may have thought I was mentally or emotionally unwell. This sounds pretty drastic, but I know it was just years of struggle finally coming through as I had finally opened the doors to another path forward. I had been very unhappy for the prior 2+ years and sharing that with my spiritual director. But eventually I realized that while yes, any life path will have it’s crosses to bear and trials, generally speaking:
your “vocation” should feel, on a foundational level, peaceful in your heart.
And my heart’s unrest had been too consistent for too long to be simply a trial. I was of very clear mind and very healthy overall. This was not a decision I was making rashly or in a moment of darkness, although, to my superiors it seemed that way. Over the course of the last 6 weeks I was in the convent, I had to stand firm in my decision to leave like 5 different times, when either my local superior or the provincial superior would ask me -
Are you sure you don’t just want to go to the Monastery for a few weeks?
Where is this coming from?
It seems like you’re having a nervous breakdown.
We can send you to California for a few weeks retreat, etc.
Stalling stalling, trying to put the brakes on me. I had asked them for my official leave date, so I could tell my mom and know in my head, and had not gotten an answer for a few weeks. Vows, Bishop, Letter, blah blah blah. I only had temporary vows. This was not hard. Yet, I had to go find Mother Sacred Heart at a feast and explicitly ask her at two different times,
Mother - when do I get to go home? When is my going home date?
To finally get something out of her, for them to realize I wasn’t messing around.
It was actually a great initiation for me. And it will be for you.
When you leave the convent, it’s not you and the community.
It’s not you and your family.
It’s you and God alone who make that decision.
And you are either sure of it from the depths of your being come hell or high water, or you’re not.
It was a true test for me of do I listen to what everyone else is saying or do I follow what I know in my heart to be true.
Quite frankly, I consider making that choice and holding to it to be the fire of initiation that a soul needs to walk through to pass the entrance exam back into the real world. Because in the real world, you don’t have a superior or a community anymore to guide your decisions. Yes, you have the Church and her guidelines for discernment, but at the end of the day, you walk out there and you’re an adult in the world discerning adult choices at every turn. A situation that, for many of us in more traditional communities, we had not faced for years as so much of our life was decided for us. We always asked for guidance and permission and did what they said.
And you will be tested in this decision. Your superiors, your spiritual director first and foremost. And later even perhaps friends and family. They will ask you all the questions and you will feel like you need to PROVE TO THEM why your decision is true or valid. You don’t really, but you will feel that you need to in order to have their acceptance or approval.
Know that you do not need their approval or understanding.
You may want it to feel validated in your decision, but it is not necessary for you to move foward and be careful in wanting it so much that you waver.
So, in order to not make this entire point a stand alone blog, I would say, do not speak the decision out loud until you are good and ready to face the fire. Until you are so ready to leave that nothing can change your mind. Because they will try to push back, especially if you are beloved and on the outside a great nun and asset to the community. They don’t want the loss of such an asset and they don’t want the scandal of a such a great catch leaving.
Welp, sorry, Nunnies, but us great catches often have other fish to fry!
Our Nun Era is just one of many in this lifetime!
Next!
#2 Capture Your Skills & Brainstorm Jobs/Roles
This one pertains more to the sisters who have been in the convent long enough to have a decent resume gap or who maybe skipped college to enter religious life - those for whom it may seem more daunting to find a real world job. Some of you may have degrees already and maybe were only in for 1-2 years - I doubt you will have a problem. You can just say you did service work for a few years and on you go.
But for those of us who were in for 3, 5, 8+ years with no official position or income to show for anything, it’s wise to start visioning the type of work you’d like to start out doing post-convent. I say start-out because it’s likely that what you do immediately post-convent will not be where you stay, but will be a low-stakes easier type of role that can allow you the mind space to also deal with transitioning back into the world.
When I was on my way out, I knew I was going to try to teach Spanish and/or Religion. It just made sense. And that’s exactly what happened. About 6 weeks after I got home, I landed a gig for a part-time Spanish teacher (K-8th) at a local catholic school. (The Principal & VP knew I had been a nun, but no one else, at least in the beginning and I didn’t tell anyone. Whether they figured it out over time and due to my short hair - I will never know!) After my first year, I was invited to be full time as the Spanish teacher & take on two sections of 5th grade religion, which I then did for the next 3 years. It was the perfect post-convent position for me as I felt comfortable & safe in a Catholic setting. After 8 years in the bubble that is a very traditional convent, it can feel very weird to be out in the secular world all the time, so working within the Church felt best for me at the time.
Now, I chose teaching because that’s the type of work I wanted to do. I knew it would be relatively easy for me to lesson plan both for Spanish & Religion. But I could have gone into other things - I actually did return to catering for a season too, but that got old quickly with the late and weekend hours required. I also knew teaching would not be forever. I knew I could not sustain it, but I knew it was doable enough to get me going. Plus, summer’s off!
So, start listing any transferable skills from convent life or even before: administration, teaching/youth ministry, elder care, leadership, translation, event planning, menu planning, house management, etc.
Even if you haven’t held a traditional job in years (or ever), you’ve likely developed a wide range of real-world skills that are valuable in the marketplace.
You will have to do some word magic to swap out convent-speak for secular-speak on resumes and cover letters, but look - where you all now have chatgpt, my generation did not! So have no fear - it can easily be done nowadays! Anything that you did or were in charge of in religious life can either be used in the Church in some type of lay role, or it can be transferred to a secular type of position or skill set. You just may need to be creative.
In addition to listing and feeling confident about your skill sets, you want to think into life post-convent and where do you feel yourself being as your first job? I personally wanted to stay within the Church, but I know a girl who got a job at the Bronx zoo! You may want to go right into the secular world - that’s great if you feel you have the energetic & spiritual bandwidth to be with the public all day, be they your co-workers or customers.
Here are some this or that to consider:
1.) Front facing, back office or work from home? Depending on if you are an introvert or extravert, this is a crucial preference to figure out.
2.) Stay inside the Church or get a secular position?
3.) Use your degree/expertise or get an entry level low-stakes position for a season or two?
4.) Part time or full time? I suggest part time if you can afford it, but this also depends on your personality & bandwidth. If you don’t have to pay rent or bills wherever you land, I suggest starting with a part time role and building more income streams into that later on or moving into a full time role. Going from nun to 40 hours week job is a huge transition, but I also know many girls who’ve done it and felt just fine - for some, it’s a helpful distraction and way to integrate back. For me, it would have brought me to overwhelm and burnout too quickly. You have to know your bandwidth and nervous system.
By preparing these thoughts ahead of time, you will have a good direction on your next steps once you land back in the world. You will know what kinds of roles you are searching for and be able to filter out roles that are not a fit. You will also be able to craft your resume and cover letters to speak to said roles or positions.
As to whether to be fully transparent about your time in the convent or cover it in code is up to you and the role you are applying for. I knew that telling my principal and VP about my time in the convent would help my cause because it was a Catholic school! But, I was not explicit on my resume about it. I waited until I got the interview to divulge more details about my history. My convent time was listed there, but it was listed as “missionary or service work,” not as religious/convent life.
I honestly don’t think I ever explicitly stated on my resume that my 7 years at “Institute of the Incarnate Word” doing youth ministry, event planning, translating and directing a bilingual religious ed program was actually religious life, although it was all right there. I always included it because it was such a skill-heavy season for me.
You can choose how you want to word your convent season and who you want to tell. If you don’t want to divulge the full truth, you can say it was a long term missionary or service experience.
For the most part, I also did not divulge my convent life to my co-workers at any job until I was well into the role and felt at ease and safe to do so.
It always went fine and people were kindly curious about it and I grew into enoying sharing my story. But again, that is up to you. I know many former nuns who literally want to start from scratch and delete that chapter entirely from their narrative. (I of course have thoughts on that, but not for this blog!)
#3 Curate a Support System
Firstly, be very choosy who you decide to speak your decision to early on. You will need and want to share with someone, but make sure they are someone in your life who has a track record of showing up and being there for you.
Sisters who have left already are a good place to start, but not always. You want to make sure - if you have stayed in touch with any of them, that they are doing okay out in the world. Some sisters who leave struggle a lot, for many years to integrate back into society, often because they didn’t want to leave or the circumstances of their leaving were somewhat traumatic and they have yet to resolve that in their psyche, so their efforts to land sturdy in the world are wobbly. But many sisters also leave and integrate just fine back into the world and it’s clear they made the right decision at the right time and it’s clear they are much happier and themselves being back out in the world. Those are the sisters who it can help to be in touch with - if only to support emotionally and to validate your journey and feelings. Even if they cannot help you in any tangible way with housing or finances or job connections - that isn’t their role.
Their role is to be a bridge for you from the convent to the world and a template for what is possible.
Reach out if you can and make that connection. I had 2 close former sisters and having their support was huge for me. One even loved me enough to play devil’s advocate and really test my resolve - which looking back I appreciate! - but I am so glad I had their accompaniment during the transition. And the transition, I might add, is easily YEARS. So don’t think once you cross the threshold back into the world, you won’t need them. You will need them for the next decade, so keep in touch!
I would add here also that nowadays there are very likely facebook groups of ex-nuns of particular orders. My order has at least two that I know of - one of which I started for the USA province, and another that was started in Spanish and is worldwide. So search the socials for former nun groups as a way to make connections if needed. In my FB group, there is not much activity, but many have made connections there that we’ve taken offline and remain in touch.
Sometimes your support system is not going to be who you think it might be.
You may need to think out of the box and outside of your previous support system pre-convent. Have you ever seen The Bear on Max? Probably not because you’re still in the convent, lol. Anyway, on the show, this young chef, Carm, wants so badly to find a way to live in NY so he can work in some of the best restaurants and under the best chefs in the country - he just doesn’t have the means. But he is super talented and everyone knows it - he just needs one connection to get him there. One holiday gathering, an unlikely person - an aunt by marriage, Michelle - takes him aside and says, Hey, if you ever need a place to stay in NY, you can stay with me. (Apparently at that time, she had a place of her own, long story.) She could see that he needed that season and that he needed just 1 person to give him a chance so he could get on his feet; and she knew his immediate family was not it. So, she made the offer. He took it and did in fact stay with her for a season, living that hustle-restaurant life in NYC, working & honing his craft and getting on his feet. She was a very unlikely person to be his support system. It was not his parents or siblings, family by blood or even close friends who were there for him or who could offer him that particular need during that season. It was an unlikely person, who saw what he needed and could offer it.
I share this because it’s very relatable to your next season - your needs will be particular and they will be temporary. Your parents or siblings or close friends may not be the best fit for what you need next. It may be that single cousin who lives in a townhome with her 2 cats and has a spare bedroom. It may be your former coworker whose kids have moved out and now she has a huge home all to herself. Maybe it’s a work-study position at a retreat center for a year where nobody knows you. It may be a ping you get of someone who might have a connection. So, cast your net widely (and wisely!) when you are thinking of who could help you out there in the world with a place to live and job connections or even just a retreat like setting where you can rest.
Also, do not think that you have to go back to where you came from.
Maybe it’s better you don’t. There is absolutely nothing wrong with starting over in a new town or state. It can be daunting to return “home” in the state of transition - you will have a lot of people to answer to right away - not only your family, but neighbors, church people, the cashier at the grocery, everyone who knew you entered the convent years ago will have questions. Which is fine - I did it and survived and it was not as bad as I thought it was going to be. Mostly, people minded their business. But if the thought of dealing with that is stressful and the idea of starting fresh somewhere new gives you a feeling of excitement, follow that! Or if going home has more pros than starting elsewhere and dealing with the questions is the only con, well then you have to choose your hard.
I would say this stage of finding your support system happens once you have a firm resolve, and ideally an end date - you can start connecting with people and informing them you are leaving religious life and asking about places to stay. Or maybe you email or write a letter if that’s more your style. But don’t ask around too early - get your people in mind, but wait to ask until you are good and ready and literally leaving soon for sure. I would say 1-3 months because if you ask too early - people’s lives can change and maybe what was once available to you, is no longer after 6 months time. So keep it a short sweet spot and get out of there on time!
Oh and obviously, this should go without saying to any former nun worth her salt, but if someone is letting you stay in their home for free indefinitely, make sure to take exceptional care of the space given to you, help with keeping the kitchen clean, your bathroom, take the trash out, etc. If you enjoy cooking, maybe cook them a meal here and there, if they are connectors, make sure to share a cup of tea every now and then, etc. Make it a mutual exchange in some fashion to show your appreciation for how clutch they are in this moment of time for you. Even with no income, you can still show gratitude in your actions.
#4 Give Yourself Time - This Season Too Is Holy.
I know you might be dealing with a fear around how am I going to make money and soon? But dear, let me tell you - you will be fine. God is directing your steps and will continue to provide for you. Nothing in that regard has changed. Just your uniform and name. It’s way more important for your soul journey to give yourself a sacred pause post-convent than it is to jump back into the workforce.
You will never have this season back, so be present for it.
So, no matter who you are staying with or where, try to give yourself at least a few weeks before you begin job searching or starting a new gig. Jobs will always be there, trust me.
But this delicate season of in-between will not, and either you will rush through it lacking mindfulness to your own journey or you will give yourself the gift of presence and gentleness.
You don’t have to resolve everything or figure out everything in those weeks.
You just need to slow down and give your systems time to shift. Especially if you’ve been a religious for many years, the shift out of that lifestyle can be a lot…
For many, there is a deep grief at losing the community, the sacred rhythms, the singing and the security that having entered that life offers.
There are friendships made that may well be lost or never the same again.
There are souls who you touched during your ministry that you may never encounter again or at least soon.
At the end of the day, for many of us, it is in some respects the loss of an entire identity that we had created as a religious nun - a name, a look, a way of being over time that solidified.
That must be shed and you must enter a kind of void empty state where the old is no longer, yet the new is not clear either.
Only in this emptying can you truly re-create yourself out in the world.
And this holy transition deserves TIME.
So, please if there is anything you leave this blog with, may it be this. Allow yourself time to shift out of the old and into an unknown state. It can feel scary and kind of metaphysical, but it’s just like any other spiritual initiation: When you left the world, you died to your old life, name, ways and became a new identity as a nun, yes? It’s really all the same game, at the end of the day.
Death and New Life. Over and over again.
Just like Nature herself every year.
This doesn’t mean you have to totally annihilate your nun-identity, as for many of us, there will always be a part of our souls where our nun-self lives on. She was a special character in our soul-journey and most definitely is an archetype that we will need and call on during other seasons in our life. She is just no longer our outward-facing identity or our main identity. She is more like an archetype with a certain skill set that we can wield as needed.
When I came home, I thankfully came home to my mom’s house - the townhouse I had originally left. She happily welcomed me home and was thrilled I was back, as she had her concerns the whole time. Anyway, I was good and ready to come home by the time I did, yet I still gave myself about a month before applying to teaching jobs. Granted I came home in late September, so school was well under way, but I knew I would land a teaching gig somewhere. But I took time those first weeks home - I walked the Farm and went into the woods next to our house - I spent a lot of time in Nature. I did still go to Daily Mass, but I went to a parish further away so no one knew me. I stopped praying the office because it felt too nun-like. I still walked & prayed the rosary. I went to the library and read the books my mom had on holistic health in the home. We took a weekend and stayed at a friend’s house down the shore. I went to a naturopath (my mom’s friend) who told me I had super adrenal fatigue and got me on supplements. I lost a lot of weight that month (in a good way, as I came home overweight) just from releasing the stress of living in the convent and naturally eating better foods. My mom took me shopping for normal people clothes, which honestly was very difficult at first. I cried in Kohl’s at how overwhelming it was and had to go home. You have to give yourself time to shake all this out.
Then, when I felt ready, I started looking and very quickly found a part-time Spanish teacher position at a local Catholic school. This is how it can work, friends. If you give yourself time, the job will appear when it’s time! I of course landed that job and began in early November. So, about 6 weeks from when I came home, I re-entered the work force, but only part time. I worked that year 3 days a week teaching Spanish. It was the perfect slow entry into the work force - it was still a catholic environment and no one there knew me. After that first year, I got offered a full time position doing Spanish, with added on two sections of 5th grade religions per day, which was again, absolutely perfect for me. I did that for another 3 years while I got my footing. Was my teaching job enough for me to get my own place in New Jersey? Absolutely not, lol. But it worked for me for that season as I was okay living with my mom (and paying her rent at about $800/month once I was full time!) When it was time for me to leave teaching, I moved out to AZ near my dad and out there I landed another full time job at an arts non-profit and, out there, was able to afford my own 1 bedroom guesthouse, where I lived for 4 years and loved it!
So, God will bless your path, I promise. Don’t let the fear of “not having money” make you rush into the rat race that is the work force. The rat race will always be there; this season of your life will not. Cherish your first weeks back in the world because you will never get them back and it’s a very delicate time for your soul. Treat it like a retreat.
Closing: The World, Too, is Sacred
As a final thought to this blog, I want to say to any nun who is scared or grossed out at having to come back to live in the world - the world too is holy. I know many of us, myself included, who lived very protected lives as a nun - even though we were missionaries “in the world,” our lives/minds were very protected - we tend to think that if we live in the world too long we will be infested with sin and darkness or something like this.
And to that I say - Jesus lived in the world. He did not live in a monastery or even in 1 building with his apostles. He was an iterant preacher - always out and about in the world. He would pray on the hill tops and in the fields. He was not afraid of the darkness and sin of the world. In fact, he knew that the world needed his light and grace so he walked among us. The world can only infect us if we allow it to influence our souls - and that is up to us.
Remember this. The darkness cannot overcome you when you walk with the light of Christ in your heart. Walk this world, shine bright and in this way, you are the salt of the earth and light of the world. Be not afraid. Duc in altum!
