Navigating Life as a Highly Sensitive Person: From Burnout to Low-Stim Life
What Being an HSP Feels Like for Me
For me, being an hsp basically equates to having an abnormally low tolerance for stimulation on all levels. I am particularly sensitive to audio and energetic input, but visual and sensory (touch) are up there, depending on the type.
When I First Discovered the Term
I read the book “The Highly Sensitive Person” at around age 30, very soon after I returned home from the convent as a severely burned out person, having spent the last 8 years basically over-giving and people-pleasing with zero boundaries and very little personal space or time. I resonated with so much in that book and was relieved to learn that I was not alone in my sensitivities or preference for a low stimulation lifestyle, but it would take another decade for me to cultivate my life top to bottom to better suite my needs.
Nature vs. Nurture?
Honestly, it’s still up for debate whether or not I was born hsp or not. My parents and even my closest friend since college seem to think not. And I understand because I was good at passing as normal! I’m an accelerated learner (also an hsp trait) with high emotional intelligence, so I learned with ease what was expected and desired of me and could seamlessly play that part. Growing up as a girl, you are taught and rewarded for being cheerful, which I would say is part of my natural countenance, but I definitely learned that staying that way to everyone would help you be liked. And, as you grow up, you want to fit in, so being more extroverted, going to the parties, larger gatherings of teens is expected. Those who didn’t go were kind of dweebs. I definitely have always been an introvert, but I learned to socialize well, so I can come across extroverted when I want to. It’s a card I learned to play, but not my natural preference.
I would say though, despite passing for normal, I had various hsp traits from a young age - I had a strong aversion to horror movies and scary activities like haunted hayrides, I always felt deeply for animals suffering, and I also always had a rich inner life - all tell-tale signs of an hsp.
What Others Didn’t See
What my parents and best friend dont remember or know is the knots I would get in my stomach upon having to go to these events, or the lack of enjoyment at being in a dark room with loud music and tweens being gossipy, or the squirmyness I felt even being a senior in high school at a holiday party at a friends house. I also hated last minute invites and would only go b/c I didn’t have a reason to say no. But my parents definitely would remember a time I was on a retreat and ended up in the bathroom with awful stomach pains the first night, likely due from anxiety about everything.
I think also growing up without any awareness of nervous systems or stimulation tolerance, I just learned to deal with overwhelm in an acceptable way because I never wanted to be the center of attention (that also was overstimulating and still can be!) I never had huge crash outs or anything major - I typically would just shut down internally and go quiet to tolerate it until it was over, and people didn’t notice much. Both in hs and college, I had a solid core group of friends, mostly girls with a few guys sprinkled in who I felt comfortable with and did hang out with ease alot, so from the outside I seemed like a typical young adult. I also played sports through high school and enjoyed being on teams. But many times, I was over riding my desire to stay home and that ick in my stomach to not go to the loud club or pub or wherever. I also had a high aversion to alcohol (mainly because of how obnoxious it made people - I hated that) and never drank, so as they say, I was “raw dogging” teen and young adult life as a HSP. In my opinion, that’s pretty badass.
But so, as a kid through to college, from the outside, I was not obviously super sensitive or emotional. I passed as pretty normal.
Life in Religious Community: From Overstimulation to Burnout
Fast foward to age 22-30 when I was a catholic nun in religious life in a very community-orientated order for 8 years. My life is basically divided into pre-convent and post-convent eras, FYI. But, to just focus on the relevant points here - religious life in my particular community was in many ways overstimulating to my introvert-hsp self, but in the beginning it was all just so exciting that I dove in. These are just some general lifestyle ways that we had, that would probably be challenging for any introvert-hsp:
We lived in community. I lived with anywhere from 10-25 other nuns in the first 3 years of my formation. Once I was missioned, my local community ranged from 5-8 give or take for the last 4 years.
We ate all 3 meals in community at the table.
We slept in bunk beds, many times in a larger room with various bunk beds. I only got a room to myself when I became a superior in year 4 (more on that another day.)
We were not cloistered nuns, rather we were missionaries, so we were always out and about with the people of the parish doing apostolic works. It was like a full time job with a family of sisters at home who you lived with. (I say “family” in the real-est sense of the word, meaning it was not always cupcakes and rainbows, as no family is.)
There was no saying no. There was no boundaries. If you said no, you were not being generous with God. Period.
We rarely had time alone to decompress or relax. Even our days off were often spent doing things in community. If you tended to be by yourself, that was looked down upon and suspicious.
The Breaking Point
Now, at the beginning, it was all great! I was excited to begin my life as a nun and eagerly dove into everything and chalked up my irritation at things to refinement of my soul and “offered it up” as a sacrifice to God, as we were taught. Good nuns don’t complain and aren’t grumpy and don’t make a scene - they joyfully accept all the discomforts of life, right?! So, I - AGAIN - learned how to be really good at this and eventually my nervous system adapted (as it does) and built a resilient exterior to be able to handle this lifestyle day in and out. But, that’s not all!!!! It gets worse!!!
Leadership in East Harlem: The Final Stretch
After 3 years of training, we typically get sent to a mission, which could be domestic or international. I was sent to our convent in East Spanish Harlem, NYC as the superior of that house.
So for the next 4 years, I was living in East Harlem, NYC, I was driving through and in and out of that city often, I was taking the subway often, falling asleep to sirens and traffic all the time. But thankfully, my body had already built a decent resilience to stimulation by then, so it was okay at the time.
I actually didn’t have time to tend to my needs - I was busy doing everything I was sent there to do and manage! Yes, learning to drive and park a large van in NYC was a little scary and daunting at times, but eventually I even developed tolerance to that and I dealt with it (along with the insanity that is alternate street cleaning. IYKYK.)
Over my years in Harlem, responsibilities were constantly layered on me that were too much for one nun to handle - from being put in charge of a deeply mentally ill sister full time (and dealing with the other nuns in the house who didn’t understand her and whom she offended often,) to replacing a nun in a full time Coordinator role in the church as she left for family concerns, to being in charge of girls visiting the convent who were discrning religious life (many would visit for weeks at a time) and being the event planner for large feasts like vows, ordinations and youth retreats. It was WAY too much layered over time, with not enough support (yes, I asked for it) and nothing being taken away as new things were layered on. No wonder I left!
Coming Home: Total Burnout
Fast forward to Fall 2011, when I finally made it back home. I was utterly spent on all levels from my time in religious life. My last 2 months were probably the darkest time of my life. I was not eating, I could not even fake a smile anymore. I couldn’t put on the show of enjoying that life anymore because it had taken everything from me. Ironically, my religious name was Lumen (light in latin) and I felt like any spark of light I once had had been extinguished. I was utterly spent and lost. I had zero affect. It was bad. When I eventually visited a naturopath closely after returning home, she was like: Your adrenals are tanked. Empty. Full on adrenal fatigue and burnout. Which makes sense - I basically had lived in a chronic stress situation for at least 4 years, if not longer.
How My Nervous System Was Rewired
I share all of this for context. I do think that my experience in religious life played a huge role in shaping my nervous system in a new way. While I was always naturally an introvert and sensitive to the energies of crowds, loud environments - it wasn’t extreme. On the range that is low to high sensitivity, I would have been mid-high, but not super high.
But, I think the burnout I experienced as a result of my stint as a nun took my nervous system all the way to the end of it’s capacity and kept the foot on the gas for years.
So, as I healed from that slowly over time, my nervous sytem had already learned to equate stimulation with danger. Basically, that stimulation - specifically work, leadership, responsibility, exposure - would lead me right back to zero. Had I not had that experience in religious life that led to me to empty, my nervous system would not have formed that particular groove that was now well worn. It probably would have remained mid-to-high, but not to the extreme that I am now and have been since returning from the convent.
Weaving It Together
Just food for thought.
We can be born super HSP, or less so. But the experiences we go through shape our nervous systems.
When I took the hsp quiz at age 30, I was 26/27 which is on the super high side. Had I taken it in high school or college, I may have landed more in the mid-range is my guess.
It’s also important to note that it took me a few years to shake out of the freeze or numbess I had built to get to the core of my feelings again. Once I did and really could listen to my body’s yes and no, I see now that it over-corrected, wisely so, and I sought out a very low stimulation lifestyle. I still do to this day, although I’m now at a point where I can challenge my bandwidth intentionally to stretch my capacity because I know that I am safe and that I can handle things, even though I feel safer staying in my low-stim life.
My Low Stim Life Today
Wondering what my low stim life looks like today? Here’s quick glimpse:
I work from home as a Virtual Assistant for about 3-4 clients only about 15-20 hrs week. I am my own boss and rarely have meetings. Maybe 1-2/month if that.
I left full time work and front-facing positions in 2019, after 4 years as a teacher and 4 years in front desk positions - both of which I totally killed it of course. But also left them burnt out.
I am a full time house sitter and do exclusively cats. I gave up dog sitting in 2021 and it was the best decision for my sanity. Cats are so much more my style and I’m obsessed with them!
I choose the “hard” of full time housesitting over working more hours to be able to pay for a rent in NJ. I’d rather move every few weeks (easy for me) and take care of people’s cats than have to work 40hrs/week being a VA only to afford a place of my own. The house sitting has worked out well for me and I’m here for it!
I spend most of my days home alone with the cats. Even when Nate is living at a sit with me full time, he is gone a normal workday. I typically am happy as a clam to be home alone with the cats - any hsp introvert would understand this bliss! I also love when Nate is home with me, as he is a quiet introvert too. We often have our headphones in and are doing our nerdy things separately, but together - and I love that.
What About Socializing?
What about socializing and being in society, you ask? Well, it was only recently I had enough bandwidth to get back out there in a few ways. During the pandemic, I worked virtually and had no interest in socializing. I find that typically after a few seasons of healing and monk-ing life, my bandwidth to people does increase.
Latin Social Dancing (aka Salsa Dancing)
So, once the pandemic slowed down, I hopped into a local bachata group class - a choice that literally changed my life forever.
Now, social dancing was a stimulation stretch for me - you’re in a group of people you don’t know, you are touching respectfully (partner dancing) and the music is loud!! Top that with most of the socials (weekend dance parties basically) start LATE, which was also a stretch for my nervous system, but I enjoyed dancing so much it was worth it.
The day after my first social, I felt like I had been hit by a truck - the hours of dancing + the loud music + the late nite was all new to my body, but I could handle it.
Now, we go dancing a few times a month and it’s something I look forward to and dance is a huge pillar of our life!
Kitten Rescue Volunteering
More recently, I began volunteering at a Kitten Rescue.
I had a pretty intense aversion to volunteering (how bad does that sound?!) because I know how it goes - often they ask more than you are comfortable giving, it’s usually either you have to say no a lot or you over-give and then end up resenting the thing. I also consider a lot of my church work (post-convent being a religious ed teacher, etc) and even convent life to basically be volunteering (where’s the lie?!), and often they did end up asking for more than you signed up for. Plus, I love my alone time and white space! I hate having obligations honestly. So it took me a LONG time to be ready to volunteer at all, let alone find a niche I cared enough about to stretch myself in this way.
So far the kitten rescue is going well - the minimum commitment is 1 shift a month (2 hours visiting kittens to help socialize them) and I’ve been able to handle that and it’s been really cute to spend time with them. A few times, they don’t have a shift covered and I have stepped in, but I don’t love doing that. I have had to say no a few times, but it’s good practice or me.
What About You?
That is a kind of zoomed out overview of my journey as a highly sensitive person. I hope it helped you put your life into perspective and realize that we all have our unique journeys as an hsp, and that yes, life can also shape our sensitivity.
Would you have considered yourself an hsp kid or do you think your nervous system formed that way due to life experiences later?
Leave a comment, I’d love to hear your story.
